“Could it be her? No, of course not. Could it? Please, Lord, not that. Please.”
I could only hope, yet the possibility stuck around like the last guest at a party, haunting my thoughts. This day would drag on as if the clock were ticking backward.
This is like the real weepy and tragic part of the story beginning…O’ my brothers and only friends.
As soon as I got home, the text messages began to flood in, my fears now officially confirmed. She was furious, accusing me of hypocrisy as a man of God, of insulting her by claiming friendship but not meeting up with her. Her fury boileth over, scalding a venomous promise, vowing
“I’m going to destroy you, just as you did me,”
her words a seething declaration of war. I didn’t think she had my phone number, but there it was and I took her at face value; I believed her. You know what they say about a woman scorned. This gal was scorned. She had scorn coming out her ears, and I was convinced she had the capacity to do exactly what she said she would do: to destroy me. I could actually picture her showing up at my door – shooting me in the face. The reverberations of my sins would travel far and wide like the tentacles of a lightning strike.
My marriage, family, church, employment, neighborhood, congress, the laws of physics, all existence, it seemed, would be severely impacted, and I felt as though it were supported only by a shaky toothpick at this point. My sins would be blurted out into the street, the newspapers, network news, and worst of all, _Community Talk_ on Facebook. My shamed mugshot splattered across billboards with the word “Adulterer” in big letters proclaimed across it. Over and over, I felt the pounding of a judgment gavel with God Himself striking that sign with a God-sized rubber stamp from the clouds, producing a thunderous thump that shook the county: “GUILTY” in 9,000 point, Stencil Military font, slightly misaligned with runny red ink, for all to see and smell. Fear engulfed me, imagination running the gamut of the dire consequences and impending doom that lay ahead.
At that moment, I stared into space and gasped for air as the camera zoomed in on my face, blurring and pushing the background out of relevance. A slow-motioned
“Ohhh…NOOOoooo ooo oo o o o o o o o o o o o.”
exited my mouth into the living room and evaporated like a mist.
My heart thundered, echoing the deep beats of a bass drum, and my arms felt like they were being punctured by a thousand needles. My blood pressure spiked, and a blinding light obscured my vision like Paul on that road to Damascus. A rolling wave of nausea fell over me.
Why oh why did I get this person involved? Strike that, why did I ever involve myself at any point along the way? I really am sick and need help. How could I have done this? This isn’t me. Is it?
The weight of the situation crashed down—my life, as I knew it, lay in ruins. It's finished. Over! How would I ever get out of this? Was there such a thing? Uncertain of my next move, one thing was clear - this madness stops now!
Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict
What was I thinking?
A Memoir by Derek Vaughan
Introduction
There is a fifth dimension…
A dimension where sight and sound blur into a slightly distorted perspective. Nauseating to the casual observer but a stunning specter of ecstasy to the beholder. A viewpoint where truth yields a delicate thread of relief in the midst of everyday misery.
Today, dear viewers, we shall embark on a voyage, submitting a written record of the pain-pleasure principle as we navigate the exhilarating yet exhausting secret life hidden within. Step aboard, for this rollercoaster of emotions and revelations awaits those brave enough to explore the depths of human complexities inside the mind of a sex addict.
Welcome
Please allow me to introduce myself; My name is Derek, and I’m a sex addict (Hi, Derek!). I genuinely am a sex addict, and I’ll explain how I arrived at that conclusion. I took a test. I’ve also been so diagnosed by a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, but more importantly, I acknowledge it within myself based on the characteristics of Sex Addiction that we’ll explore later. I also recognize my status as a sex addict, as my past actions, audacious and uncontrollable, have brought me to a precipice.
I refer to myself as a “Sex Addict” for the purpose of healing and education. However, I don't display this label for all to see like a badge on my forehead.
In this candid and introspective narrative, I aim to illuminate the path that my life has taken as a sex addict. I openly share my experiences, struggles, and self-discoveries, hoping to find solace and understanding for myself and perhaps extend that solace to others grappling with similar demons. This tale spans my life from its early stages to my eventual realization of the depths of my addiction, culminating in my desperate quest for redemption and recovery.
Every word in this book is true to the emotions and experiences that I had and still experience as a recovering sex addict. While the events and situations I describe are based on real-life occurrences, I have taken some creative liberties to enhance the portrayal of my thoughts and inner turmoil. My intention is to provide you with an authentic glimpse into the mind of a sex addict, even if certain details have been slightly modified to ensure confidentiality while vividly recounting my mental state. The thoughts expressed are mine alone unless otherwise stated.
Purpose
As I write, I am keeping several purposes in mind:
1. Given that the title of this book is “Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict,” I aim to offer a glimpse into the workings of an addictive mind by replaying, analyzing and speculating on the recollections and experiences of sex addicts - myself and those individuals with whom I've engaged in conversations. Through this exploration, I hope to illuminate the intricate patterns, thought processes, and emotions that underlie the struggles and challenges faced by those grappling with this addiction.
2. To caution and inform individuals about the potential repercussions of becoming ensnared in the trap of addiction, specifically sex addiction. My goal is to provide a clear understanding of the likely adverse outcomes that can arise from succumbing to this destructive pattern of behavior. This is also known as preaching.
3. By critically examining my story, I seek to assist fellow individuals battling addiction. By shedding light on the intricate layers that helped shape my addictive tendencies, I aim to provide insights that can help addicts better comprehend the factors that contributed to their own conflict. I share these insights in the same spirit in which others have shared with me.
4. I want fellow addicts to know they're not alone in their struggles. By sharing my own experiences and vulnerabilities, I hope to create a sense of connection and understanding, letting them know that others have been down this rough road too. This shared experience can offer some comfort and a feeling of camaraderie to those feeling lost or isolated. I sincerely hope that through these pages, folks will find the inspiration and guidance they need to break free from addiction and embrace a life with renewed purpose and well-being.
5. Amid the raw truths and personal insights, there may also be moments of relatable humor, reminding us that even in the darkest corners of the war within, a touch of humanity binds us all, and laughter is good for the soul. As you read the text, I hope you’ll find not only understanding but also the occasional sliver of edutainment, making this exploration into the depths of addiction an engaging and enlightening read that might possibly put a smile on your face.
6. Finally, my journey's documentation serves as a personal record of my thoughts, sins, growth, and transformation. The twists and turns, highs and lows, and scars and revelations will be an occasional reminder for me to slow down on wet roads and never return to that awful land I once resided. By sharing this narrative, I hope to inspire others on their own quests for healing and recovery, no matter where their challenge, addiction, or issue may lie.
I will state right from the start that as you read through these pages, some of my words might come across as arrogant or proud, but that's not my intention—quite the opposite. I'd love to share a story of humble beginnings and triumphant victories, like being born in a log cabin and rising up to win the Super Bowl like Joe Montana or that Mahomes kid. However, the reality is that I’ve had an easy life yet did my best to self-destruct. I wish to share a tale of redemption and salvage something beneficial from this experience by being open and honest with you. It would be great to reach the playoffs.
I can also admit that some of what I did during my addiction was enjoyable; addiction works that way, offering short-term pleasures. But let me be clear: I will emphasize how the negative consequences far outweigh any fleeting benefits as we proceed into this memoir. I'll speak as if I'm talking to a friend, sharing moments of amusement and dad jokes, and hopefully, you won't be bored out of your skull reading about my walk.
My wife, whom I affectionately refer to as 'The Mrs.,' has given her blessing to this writing. She knows I'll lay it all out there matter-of-factly, just like any other story. While I won't shed big tears on these pages, I'll try my best to convey the thoughts going through my mind as events unfold, maintaining a positive attitude while doing so. I aim to recreate the stories with honest color commentary, making them both helpful and informative.
If you or someone you care about is a sex addict, then you may want to peer inside my brain to observe some of the various events and environments of the time that led me into a life of sex addiction. Perhaps It could spark reflection on your own life or that of your loved one, uncovering hidden factors that fostered addiction, specifically sex addiction. If there are no obvious traumatic events, such as sexual abuse, you may have to dig deeper to understand. And we may never understand completely, but with enough hard work and examining the past, we can realize some possible explanations and considerations. The purpose is not to blame but to theorize why we took the wrong off-ramp.
I'm writing this for ordinary people who may struggle with addiction and for ministers who might not know how to handle the discovery of someone involved in sexual sin. If you're a youth worker and a teenager confides in you about their use of pornography, don't panic, but don’t sweep it under the rug. There is hope, and it can be dealt with compassionately and effectively. Please don’t turn that young man away!
This book could serve as a roadmap towards recovery, offering strategies to maintain sobriety and even progress to aiding others, thereby fostering a cycle of mutual assistance (Step 12). Perhaps you find yourself trapped in a profound life crisis, your attempts at resolution repeatedly foiled. In such moments, seeking aid becomes imperative. An advocate awaits your call, ready to guide you on a transformative journey starting right here. I provide additional resources and general guidance, urging you to further validate these insights through consultation with specific individuals you assemble on your support team. My role is to encourage you to form this alliance. Throughout, I'll discuss the significance I attribute to this process, sharing both successes and setbacks I've encountered. An enthusiastic supporter and a partner for accountability are crucial facets of your journey. If luck smiles upon you, as it did for me, you'll have a roster of accountability partners and a single exceptional cheerleader. Remember, the path to healing and recovery is within reach, a sentiment I shall reiterate later.
I remain committed to working The 12 Steps, continuing my documentation, refining my mission, while acknowledging my transgressions and moments of clarity, victories, and constructive ideas as they are revealed.
Luke 22:31-32
“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”
My prayer is that you will be strengthened. And in the end, we will both win something much more important than the Super Bowl.
What this book is not
This book is not a tell-all exposé of everything I did or witnessed. Instead, its focus is on providing insights into the thoughts and emotions that consume me relative to my struggle with addiction. As I write, I must make a conscious effort to share the workings of my addicted mind, not just the actions I took. While memories of my past actions may surface, my primary aim is to describe what was happening inside my head while immersed in addiction.
It's important to state that this book is not meant to be pornography or erotica, nor is it like a modern-day Penthouse Forum. The stories I recount are not intended to arouse or excite readers (they won’t); on the contrary, I hope they illustrate the dangerous risks I took and the distorted thinking that drove me, ultimately discouraging any notion of engaging in such activities. As you read, you may find yourself nodding in recognition, perhaps saying, "Yes, I've been there too." The pages that follow avoid excessive profanity or lewdness. Though I address sexual situations frankly, it's done in a manner similar to how I would discuss them with my counselor or talk to you if we were having a face-to-face conversation.
I strive to keep the focus on my personal experiences, avoiding diving too deeply into the politics, causes, effects, legal consequences, or statistical information surrounding pornography and sex addiction. Those topics could fill another book, and I'm sure numerous expert resources exist in those fields. While I'd love to present a concise and straightforward understanding of these vices, societal norms and attitudes are rapidly evolving, and chances are you are already well aware of their prevalence today.
The short version
If you are running short on time, just read this, then go back to your YouTubing:
“I entered this world as a male human, I grew to have a low self-worth. The landscape of sexuality bewildered me as yearnings and cravings stirred to life. Over time, my perception of these desires became distorted, and an addiction took root, shrouded in secrecy. My ego was unchecked, and my maturity lagged. I got married, but we had communication issues, and I didn't know how to fix it. My vision of sexual possibilities led me astray from my marital vows, an ill-advised choice. In my search for gratification, I manipulated and harmed others in vain attempts to satisfy these insatiable needs. I own it. This chapter concluded in a really ugly way, leaving behind a dusty trail of destruction. My wife's boundless grace offered a lifeline, a gift I treasure. I've been on a long path of recovery, and I'm still working on it. Regret for my actions weighs heavy, and I've endeavored to mend where I can, experiencing the shame of my conduct toward those in my life. I betrayed my faith, my spouse, my family and friends, and my fellow congregants, confessing my sins and extending apologies to those closest to me. Yet, I cannot make real amends to some of the people I harmed. A relentless commitment to heal and regain wholeness moves me forward. I face the truth: I am a sex addict. The end”.
Disclaimer
I must confess, while I am a Christian, I have also lied and been hypocritical. I hate writing that more than anything. That’s a terrible combination - being a bad guy while pretending to be a good one. I deeply regret being a leader in the church and committing adultery, tarnishing the name of Jesus. I acknowledge my mistakes and attempts at recovery from a Christian perspective, but I understand this mixture of claiming faith while possessing detestable character flaws will be off-putting to some readers.
What sex addiction means to me
Sex addiction always seemed distinct from addictions to substances like alcohol or drugs. With those, complete abstinence is required for a successful recovery. Yet, as a married sex addict, I'm still expected to engage sexually within the bounds of my marriage. The deciding factor for addiction is, “Are his actions out of control?” I hesitated to label my situation a medical condition or an addiction, fearing it might excuse actions I thought I could control. At some point, though, I realized I was fooling myself, but sex addiction? Is that even real? Unlike diseases such as cancer, which strike without choice, my turmoil seemed self-inflicted, born from poor decisions. Engaging in such self-destructive behavior felt insane—why invite such misery? The question had come full circle now; maybe this was an addiction.
On a deeper psychological level, experts say sex addicts fear intimate relationships, opting for "false intimacy" to avoid real connection. My yearning for genuine closeness was choked by fear of rejection, traced back to numerous minor rejections that compounded into a severe sense of unworthiness, making the sting of each new rejection unbearable.
Despite realizing I was crossing personal boundaries and needed to pull back, I pushed forward, denying the idea of addiction because I believed I could control what I was doing and could stop when the going got tough.
My addiction did not merely show up one day like a stranger ringing the doorbell. It crept up not suddenly, but insidiously, like a carcinoid tumor growing over time through a mix of personal history and environmental factors. Looking back, signs of addiction were there from an early age, progressing slowly to full-blown compulsion. I knew I was on a destructive path, but I couldn’t pinpoint when I crossed into addiction—it was a series of events and behaviors over the years, starting with an innocent curiosity about sexuality that evolved into boundary transgressions and, ultimately, a deep-seated obsession and addiction.
A pattern of escalating risky behaviors is a hallmark of addiction, starting with boundary crossings and leading to previously unthinkable actions. Acknowledging this pattern was crucial to recognizing how far I had strayed from my values.
I remember in one of our marriage counseling sessions, the counselor, trying to get to the root of the problem we were having, out of the blue, suggested,
“…or…maybe you’re a sex addict.”
Inside, I knew that if sex addiction was indeed a thing, I may have a case of it, yet I remained silent. Looking back, I wish she would have pressed the issue. Just hearing about that possibility was a significant event on my timeline.
Descending deeper, the thrill of deceit and risk morphed into an addiction of its own. I took pride in my ability to hide my actions, maintaining a façade that fed into my cycle of self-deception.
"No one will know, no one will get hurt, I’ll stop later," I told myself.
Despite the increasing number of encounters and their fleeting moments of satisfaction, I could never get enough. These events propelled me to hero status; I felt like Superman, and my muscles swelled and ripped my shirt. The aftermath of each meeting was merely a brief pause before I started contemplating and working toward the next conquest. This cycle of arousal and brief satisfaction, followed by immediate longing for the next encounter, underscored the depth of my addiction.
Foregoing the apparent wrongness of my actions, I repeatedly fooled myself into believing I could manage this double life without any real consequences, although it was getting trickier and more challenging, that’s for sure. Denial—thinking if I ignored consequences, they wouldn't come—was part of my addictive thinking.
Every detail of each interaction was calculated to maximize impact and minimize risk. The constant dread of a traffic ticket or an accident exposing me was a persistent stressor. I could now see that I was sliding deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper into addiction. Many times, I would think,
“I should just quit now, and no one would ever know.”
The pull was too strong.
No matter how bad I felt or how ashamed I was when I acted out, I returned, like a dog to its own vomit, over and over and over and over, unable to adjust my thinking. I ran to sex for comfort rather than God. Sex addiction goes down to my very soul. I would quit the craziness for fifteen days or fifteen minutes and then be pulled back in like [Michael Corleone in The Godfather Part III](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPw-3e_pzqU). There was just too much to learn and too much fun to be had, and I needed it, so the thought of letting go completely was never taken that seriously. I would always hold a little back. Eventually, I would creep back in for just a “little” hit. Of course, we know where that got me.
As the years unfolded, these experiences were bound into volumes of mental encyclopedias, compounded into a robust library of memories and desires. This buffet of memories formed the backdrop of an increasingly powerful dependence blending into compulsion. Minor and major episodes of “acting out” added pages to this metaphorical book, each one drawing me down another level into a life of fantasy and recall, which I have found to be the fuel for addiction.
As you can imagine, the need to maintain an appearance of normalcy while managing a double life led to a constant state of paranoia. I had to be careful to cover my tracks, and as hard as I tried, evidence was scattered about. It’s a miracle no one ever discovered or questioned my schedule and the “errands” I ran a good part of the day, sometimes even into the evenings. I will assume that no one noticed anything fishy because of my previous track record and most people just don’t have the time to be suspicious. That seemed to work in my favor.
Nearing the end, I was on autopilot, unable to refuse any opportunity for sexual engagement, regardless of the risks or potential consequences. This uncontrollable behavior persisted even as I watched others face devastating losses due to similar behaviors. Yet, I continued, driven by an insatiable need that no single act could satisfy. I was nearing zombie-like status at this point, automatically responding to opportunities. I couldn’t find the shut-off valve.
Ultimately, I began to wrestle with the realization that my sexual behavior had spun beyond my control. Beyond even the expert’s definition. I was really there. Barely managing other areas of life like work and family, my sexuality seemed an untamed force, dictating actions and desires that stood in stark contrast to my core values.
The realization that I needed to change came sharply into focus as I came to understand the extent of my deceit and the isolation it caused. Admitting to myself that I was a sex addict was a difficult yet crucial step. It was imperative to recognize the need for change. For many, the label of “Sex Addict” may seem overused or trivialized or going a bit too far, but for someone deeply entangled in its grip, it is a stark reminder of the overwhelming stress of the past or current life. Recovery has been challenging, requiring a fundamental reevaluation of my principles and priorities. The road began with the harsh acknowledgment of my condition and the humble admission of needing help. You will read in my story the exact moment that took place. I had hit the wall known as discovery. I was forced to change or face both homelessness and marriagelessness, and I didn’t believe I would be a good candidate for either.
Throughout this tumultuous time of my life, moments of divine intervention provided glimmers of hope. These experiences, coupled with the gradual recognition of the consequences of my actions, have slowly guided me down the path of recovery. Consequences, I’ve realized, could have been beneficial early on, serving as a wake-up call to the severity of my actions.
For clarity and healing, I have accepted the term “Sex Addiction” to differentiate my past behavior and the thoughts that still linger from those whose sexuality had not engulfed their lives. For purposes of getting better and helping others, I’ve defined myself as a Sex Addict. That is the only time I identify myself in this manner.
In retrospect, understanding the depth of my addiction and the control it exerted over me has been both humbling and enlightening. It has paved the way for a sincere commitment to change, led by a renewed faith and a clearer understanding of the values I aspire to live by. My story is one of struggle but also of gradual redemption and hope for a future where integrity, self-control and healthy growth redefine my existence. Really.
Closing the Introduction
My experiences, though deeply personal, carry a universal message of hope and healing. As I recall these memories, I hope to provide some insight for others who may find themselves trapped in the shadows of sex addiction.
In the following chapters, I will look deeper into the origins of my addiction, exploring the forces that propelled me toward this path. I will recount what I believe to be the milestones and pivotal moments that shaped my obsession, providing a comprehensive view of my journey toward recovery and self-discovery. Please understand that all of this is speculative, I am still trying to figure it out. I use the word “possibly” often. If I were to wait until I absolutely knew what I was talking about, it would never be printed, and you, the reader, would have to pay a lot more for this book than you did. I’m just trying to keep costs down.
Now, as we begin to peer inside the mind of a sex addict, be prepared for a wave of emotions, brutal honesty, and, hopefully, some valuable observations into the dark world of addiction. May my story serve as a measure of hope, a ray of sunshine, and a cold brewski on a hot afternoon, as well as a warning to those facing similar struggles. Remember, with God’s help, we all have the power to change, heal, and overcome even the darkest chapters of our lives. Let us begin.
DV
Written 2016 - 2024 (I was busy)
